Self-Compassion for Your [ADHD] Shame

by Marielle Tye, MSW, RSW
Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist with The Curious Collective

Living with ADHD can be really, really exhausting. Some days you feel like you’re crushing it, and others it’s crushing you. Maybe you find yourself getting stuck in the same old rut, knowing exactly what you have to do but unable to do it. For what it’s worth, pretty much all neurodivergent people can relate to this!

In this post, we are not going to tell you a new skill to get more done, and we’re also not going to describe a new way to self-improve. That line of thinking teaches ADHDers that we are in need of ‘fixing.’ As a team of ADHD therapists (that is, therapists with ADHD, supporting ADHD clients) we are here to remind you that we accept you exactly as you are. And we believe that a great tool in learning to live well with ADHD is self-compassion. 

One of our favourite celebrity Social Workers (ok, maybe the only celebrity social worker?) is Brené Brown. She reminds us that

“Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love, belonging, and connection” (Brown, 2021).

Psychologist and self-compassion researcher Kristen Neff adds that,

“Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with your failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?” 

Self-compassion and empathy are the antidotes for shame, and shame is almost universal among ADHDers and other neurodivergent folks. Have you ever been told you’re ‘lazy’, you ‘don’t try hard enough’, that you ‘need to do better’ and that you are ‘too much’ or ‘too emotional?’ This messaging is shaming, and leads ADHDers to feel incredibly bad about ourselves and our challenges, while erasing that we are struggling because of a disability (yes, ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder and a disability).

It also leads us to internalize these messages, which in turn become our inner critic: that little voice inside us that repeats these hurtful phrases back to us when we think we’re coming up short. We might not even realize how cruel we are to ourselves, and how this is not only defeating, but also de-motivating.

The truth is, we ARE incredibly capable people. Having ADHD does not mean we can’t accomplish tasks, even the difficult ones (even if monthly budgeting = me crying on my floor until it’s over). It does mean we may have to be more patient with ourselves, advocate for our needs, do our best to explain our experiences to loved ones and colleagues, and work hard to believe in our inherent worthiness of love and kindness. At the end of the day, beating ourselves up won’t move us forward, it just keeps us stuck.  

Try instead: Compassionate Responding

Here is a strategy that has nothing to do with buying a planner or downloading an app. Those tools can be helpful, but they won’t get you un-stuck when you’re immobilized by self-criticism. So the next time you find yourself saying, “I’m so stupid” or “I need to do better,” try to notice these thoughts, and pause. Then: 

Ask yourself how you would respond to your best friend or a child if they were saying these things to themselves. 

Think about your tone of voice, the expression on your face as you offer empathy to them, in their moment of pain or self-doubt. 

Remember the affirming things you might say to this loved one, such as “It’s OK to not be OK,” and “I am here for you, you are not alone.” 

Remember the actions you might offer, such as a hug or bringing them a tissue and glass of water to help soothe their big feelings. 

Then, try offering this to yourself the next time anxiety strikes or your inner-critic lashes out. Validate your emotions in the moment by reminding yourself:

I am allowed to feel this way. 

Other people feel like they are not measuring up sometimes too. 

I have permission to sit in my feelings and to sit with myself.

It makes sense why I feel this way, I have a lot on my plate. 

These are examples of compassionate responding and self-validation. As ADHDers, we sometimes need to remember to be kind to ourselves in moments of pain and suffering, the same as we would with children or with friends and family members.

In order to soothe our big feelings, we need to name them, allow them to be there, and remind ourselves that they make sense. This is a far more effective response that will actually support our emotional needs and increase our motivation, rather than punishing ourselves for struggling in the first place. 

What else helps when we are in the big feels? After speaking compassionately to yourself, perhaps consider the following:

• take a break
• take three deep breaths in and out, inhaling through the nose and exhaling out through your mouth (think sighing or saying “hah”) 
• try a soothing activity like making a cup of tea
• go for a walk (without your phone!)
• ask for a tight hug from someone who feels safe
• lay on the couch under a weighted blanket
• call a friend to chat things out or write your thoughts down

Please also remind yourself: “I don’t have to be masking, completing tasks, showing up for others, or improving myself all the time. There is absolutely nothing about me that is broken. I am enough. I deserve rest. I can speak kindly to myself when things get tough.” (You probably have in fact accomplished a lot in the last little while, and your brain isn’t allowing you to factor those things in that are in fact already done!) 

Self-Compassion Reminders

It’s normal if this feels weird, silly, or even hard to do at first. Validating your own emotions is hard!

If you’re having a hard time getting into it, start by writing out some compassionate statements you might say to someone else, and then apply them to yourself afterward.

The more we speak to ourselves with kindness, the easier it is to reduce the critical and self-shaming stories we’ve repeated over the years, and offer ourselves more empathy and compassion instead! The same way we build muscles by lifting weights at the gym, we can build the compassionate-responding muscle in our brains with daily practice so it gets easier and easier.

See also:
Brown, B. (2021). Atlas of the heart: Mapping meaningful connection and the language of human experience. Random House.
Neff, K. (2024). What is self-compassion? Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. https://self-compassion.org/what-is-self-compassion/